No Surprise

Posted on December 20, 2012 by YogaPeace

Only after 3 months we broke up, in June 2012 my ex has already started to look for another girlfriend…. within our same group of common friends. Can you believe that?

And he probably had tried going after every eligible girl in the group…. as of what I know, he went after one girl before and now he just hooked up with another one of my friends. What does that tell you?

He is really a jerk!!!!

When he was after me, the sweet nothings, we’ll never be apart again, he rather die first than have me die first, he searching for someone for so long and he knows I was the one, must know all my friends cos he’ll need their help to appease me if he ever made me unhappy, his infamous song from Lady Antebellum to share with you so that you’ll think he’s so romantic (yup I saw on facebook that he did the same with her), then forward you all the romantic korean songs, cook for you and take you to picnic, wants to meet your parents, then will ask to go on a trip with him etc. all in a guise to get a girl. It’s so clear and obvious now… and I was fool enough to believe all these sh*t.

So it was never true love with me…. he probably was addicted to romance and the chase and then bam, he walked out on me when he knew he got me…

I thought about his last “girlfriend” of whom he claimed that was not his girlfriend when I asked him about it. He said she stuck on to him… but the funny thing was my other friends told me he introduced her as his girlfriend during the gatherings when she was present. I heard that she even went to the airport to fetch him during one of his trip. NOW I SEE LIGHT. She was probably in the same situation as me and she tried hard to hang on to him after he became cold and distance from her. She probably suffered the same fate! I wonder how many before her also suffered the same fate. But bummer, I did not take that as a warning sign then!

Seriously I would never had considered him at all. The more I look at him, the more I cringed. He’s really one ugly guy…seriously… terrible kisser but I fell stupidly into his trap cos I thought he was a good man, gentlemen as he was a super nice guy in the group. SUPER NICE GUY to everyone. But now I think one must avoid those men who are constantly super nice to everyone, like trying to please everyone in the group by buying them stuffs and acting cute. Plus my close friend noticed that he always tried to act cute…

Why would anyone in their right mind go within the same group? He feels no remorse at all as no one in the group chastise him. In fact I was the one who had to kept quiet… I wrote his name in another blog post and I was chastised by another friend in the same group for doing so… So far only 4 persons in the group who truly knew what happened and the rest do not know. And because of this, everyone thinks this is a very nice and funny guy, so helpful and why this person always black face to him?

I become the bad guy.

Now it will become worse. Cos now he is with this girl from the group… in effect the outings will be super weird…

Thanks KS for making it even more weird for me in the group.

And I wonder what lies he tell her about his past relationships. Maybe he’ll tell her why he broke up with me – choosing one of the myriad of answers he gave to different person – that my parents don’t like him? different lifestyle? afraid that cannot make it work? As one of my friend puts in, he is a clever person and he’ll be super smart to cover up all his wrong doings.

If such a guy chased you, wowed you and then you learnt that he is such a jerk with a friend of yours, would you still go on with him?

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Goodbyes

Posted on October 31, 2012 by YogaPeace

This is the saddest year for me.

So many unfortunate things happened to me.

Met a jerk who screwed me up so bad (is this my karma from my previous life? I deserved it perhaps or so it seems) and is still around my friends such that I can’t hang around them, then my aunt died (I was shocked by this news when I came back from my trip :( )…

Then my dog died.

:(

I think he waited for me to come from my trip before he died. I knew he was dying yesterday… I can feel his pain and suffering, I knew in my heart that he is dying.

Yet, I did not even shed a tear… my heart is so cold now. So cold, so numb.

I am so sorry, Scruffy. I knew that deep inside you are still that loyal, faithful, clever dog that I brought up. No more pain and suffering for you but peace and love forever in doggy’s heaven. Thanks for being my companion for 18 years. I will always remember you. R.I.P

I wish I could cry and grieve for you but I exceeded my quota of tears and pain this year that my heart died too….R.I.P

But rest assured that I will be rebuilding my heart from scratch by filling it with pure love, from people who truly care and love me, from less fortunate people I want to help.

Hemm, well, perhaps there’s still a chance that this will be a great year for me! ( 2 more months! )

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Healthy Lifestyle Is The Best Way To Lose Weight!

Posted on October 2, 2012 by YogaPeace

Yup, I am happy to announce that I have successfully lost weight and now I weigh less than 50kg. Woo hoo!! My target is 45kg as I am quite petite ( yup, every little weight I put on, makes me look really big! )

Somehow it happened naturally as I worked my way to a healthy lifestyle… how?

Some of the things I did was to exercise regularly… aw….you thought I had some secret? ( well I do have a little secret… but I’ll share in another post )
But seriously all I did was to tell myself I must exercise at least 3 times a week. It can be a jog, swim, rock climb, a hike up a mountain, join a zumba class or even just watching an exercise video and doing it.

Of course diet wise, I made some changes too. Now I have a good breakfast, light lunch and dinner. Generally I avoid sugar, flour and snacks. Yup, I cut out all my potato chips ( I used to snack on them almost everyday which perhaps was the biggest culprit – I do love potato chips!!! ) However, I am not so super strict… occasionally I still go for decadent desserts and good sinful but yummy food. But I always follow up a good sinful meal with a good jog.

Plus another important thing is I usually cook my own meals especially dinner. Sometimes, I even eat instant noodles which are actually not very good for health but I do try to make it healthier by eating only half of the noodles and adding a lot of veggies. For protein in the meal, I always like an egg or a piece of tofu. Recently I have just gotten into a habit of making korean styled stewed tofu noodles – as simple as instant noodles – just pop some anchovy soup base into boiling water ( or make a quick fresh version by boiling around 5-6 anchovies in water ) and then add a spoonful of hot korean chili paste, then add cabbages, or any leafy veggies or carrots. Sometimes I make this soup with just the veggies, tofu and dumplings ( leave the carbo which is the noodles out ) for a tasty and healthy quick meal. This is especially great for cold nights when one craves for a nice comforting warm soup!

I was originally a size 4-6 for my pants but now I am size 2. In fact I can go into size 0 except my thighs are still tad big for size 0 pants. Woo hoo!

My reads on the train in September (yup! restarted my reading!) :

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Remembering Yoga

Posted on August 24, 2012 by YogaPeace

I have never forgotten about yoga.

Everyday still I practice yoga of the mind, coupled with a few standard poses like cobra, headstand, handstand as well as downward dog. Nothing heavy but enough to remind my body that yoga is still within me.

A few weeks ago, dear friends of mine, Bo and Shirley invited me to practice with them at one of their weekly sessions at a local studio. I was hesitant for one, I did not practice religiously as before ( yeah, my hamstrings are the first to show me the effects… 8{ ) and second they invited me as a guest, which may not be nice as the studio owner may not like it? ( but they assured me that it is common practice everywhere that yoga teachers are allowed to invite guest to their classes… so grateful for their kindness! )

But I was super glad that I went in the end.

I thought my body would forget but it did not. In fact, as the class went on, my body seemed to awaken and remembered the little details that go into each pose as we flowed through the sequence ( of course the gentle instructions by Bo helped a lot – like a clear tinkling of water in a stream leading you down the path way home… ).

The body, no doubt suffered a bit of reluctance in the beginning. But in the end, it opened gradually, softly, not too much but just enough for me to enjoy the openness and the joy. :D

Even the backbends were stiff ( hey, I used to love love love wheels, king pigeons! ) and I could not stay in wheel at all. But this is a feedback to me that I need to strengthen my back more.

Overall, I remembered yoga and its true essence. It’s not really about the poses…. Okay I lied, it’s always about the last pose…. savasana pose… :) peace!

Namaste!

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The truth did set me free

Posted on June 28, 2012 by YogaPeace

What a day!

It was really funny now that I thought about it but it was not so when it happened.

Anyway last few weeks, my ex, KS did appear at our common group gatherings. He seemed to act normal and he even sat beside me during some of the meals. I did not really initiate any conversation but I did chip in here and there and he also did commented about some things I mentioned, offering solutions. I mean I tried to be as cordial as I can… but I was still stuck in the why did he do that to me ( reliving situations and trying to figure out why and what I did to trigger him ). It was difficult for me.

Last sunday I had arranged to run with a new lady friend in our group on Tuesday at 7pm. She had mentioned running by the marina bay side and it sounded like a nice idea plus Tuesday the usual gang may not go running anyway. Well, on Monday, he sent me a message to ask me to meet 7pm. Saying he asked the lady to go jog and the lady friend told him that I am joining…. hmmm…. anyway this reminded me of when he was wooing me back then… arranging to jog with a girl… breakup not even 3 months and he is already looking… so it seems like he has moved on isn’t it?

Anyway I asked him if he asked anyone else – he said no. Then I mentioned then won’t I be in the way? then he said to ask another of our lady friend. Then I said then we have 2 persons in the way and I laughed… then I asked him if he has plans with the lady and I even apologized that I did not know about that as the lady never told me anything… then there was silence… he did not reply until like 3 hrs later…. but by then I already told the lady friend I am going. So I told him I am going and he said see you tomorrow. Anyway it ended up he also asked another guy friend to join. After the jog and during the dinner he was talking and sharing as per normal.

In fact, the next day, he even sent me an email with regards to a topic mentioned during our dinner the day before. He suggested that I take part in a backpack review writing to win a backpack.

So all seems fine right?

Apparently not so… anyway after that run on Tuesday, we did not meet up until this Tuesday for our usual exercise run. I was actually planning to speak to him to resolve us, to move on. I am mentally very tired and just want to know actually what happened between us and to just forgive him and be friends again. But I did not get a chance as he arrived late and did not even run… just join us for dinner. I also saw that in his whatapps status he put a quote “The most important thing in life is learn how to give out love, and to let it come in” It shows that he is probably ok.

So on Wednesday, I dropped him a text asking him if a outdoor life shop is there at Orchard. He did not reply. Seriously. Then I dropped him a couple more to ask him to help….then also ask him if he is ok or anything wrong but again no reply ( even though he was replying in another group chat )

Puzzling isn’t it?

I thought about what to do hard… i did not want to be left hanging again… I need to know the truth, forgive and move on quickly because I know I am ready.

So I made a stupid decision to go to his house to speak to him to resolve the problem between us so that both of us can move on and be friends again and no more awkwardness during our group gathering and to have a pleasant trip to Sapa.

I reached his block and waited downstairs. I did not know what time he was coming back. So I waited like 3 hours…. during which I tried calling him 3 times but he did not pick up. I also send him a message to ask if he can answer my call and also if he is ok. But he did not reply either. Something was seriously wrong.

Then he appeared. I called his name as he walked past and he turned to see me… then he muttered how come I am there… then I said I was looking for him. He said no need and then quickly walked away from me into the lift and tried to close to the door… I asked him for a few mins to sort things out but he said no need and says he wanna go home… yup, he ran away like he seen a ghost…. why? I have no idea… why is it so hard to just hear me out and sort out our relationship to become friends? What was he afraid of? Frightened of what?

The surprising part was that I was very calm as I stood there watching him in the lift as he hit the buttons so many times. Funny thing was that the lift was spoilt ( I was there for a few hours so I knew it was spoilt ) and he kept frantically hitting the buttons but the lift would not move.

Then he finally gave up and walked out of the lift but again he quickly walked ( almost ran? ) away from me… I had to run after him and say I am tired and I just want to resolve our problems so that we can become friends again. Without even looking at me, he just kept on walking and saying no, no need, I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you….please, as if I want to see him… if he had answered my text or calls, I would not have come down. Mind you, I never knew I could be so calm.

Strangely I did not get upset with his harsh words and him running away like a mouse at all up the stairs… I did not even chase him up the stairs. I just thought to myself – in realization that he is really emotionally handicapped… here I am trying to forgive him but he was too scared to face me. Just so weird…

So the problem is really not me. I just hope he can heal soon and not hurt another person.

Anyway, my open letter to him:
Tan Kuan Sheng, please forgive yourself and move on, for I have forgiven you and whatever you done to me… please learn to face your emotions and truth rather than run away as it will only make you more miserable. It’s really unhealthy for you and I worry for you as a friend. I do not know what happened in your past that caused you to be so scared. Like your status quote, Life is about learning how to give love and to let love in. But before you can do that, please realize that you need to learn to listen and to work out emotional issues to avoid hurting anymore innocent.

As a friend, I have done all that I can, no regrets and I subsequently even sent him another 2 SMSes to clarify that I just wanted to resolve us and what did I do wrong recently to cause him to be so hostile towards me so that we can go on to become friends again ( which is what he wanted 3 months back when I confronted him about what he is doing ) But yet again, no reply from him.

Friends, what else could I have done?

I feel at peace at last and I am myself again. Forgiveness is really powerful. I need to practice more… :) Plus I will be there to listen to him if he ever one day decide to finally share his feelings.

Oh ya… also must practice unconditional love and gratefulness!

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Be Present – A Golden Surprise!

Posted on June 15, 2012 by YogaPeace

This morning I awoke and found this special guy at the doorstep of my house.

I am glad I did not step on it as I normally would just step out without a glance. Today however, as luck or universe or whatever is out there, a tiny glimpse of a glitter perhaps, I stopped before I stepped out of the door. Perhaps it is the practice of being present at any time that allowed me to notice him. Yes, I ought to do that more and enjoy life fully with observation and being in touch with yourself, awareness of what you are thinking, feeling – then making a conscious decision to discard the not so constructive and immerse in the good positive energy. So important!

And there he was. Lying still, beckoning me to take a close look at him. He is not entirely golden but he has a goldenly sheen to him, certain dabs of golden colours all over his body. Mother nature’s little piece of art, her little canvas to display her exuberance.

What did you see today that awed you or surprised you? Share with your delight with your friends – you might bring a little blip of joy in their life too!

Namaste! ( see, the instant benefit of practicing regular headstand and handstand!! ;) )

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Good reads – Compassion and the individual by Dalai Lama

Posted on June 12, 2012 by YogaPeace

What makes us human is our ability to feel. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

Everyone experiences events in their life that cause myriad of emotions. Emotions are part of our daily life that no one can escape unless of course you are a robot/machine. There are really so many emotions that we can feel but how many can we name?

Yesterday I chanced upon Dalai Lama’s website : http://www.dalailama.com/messages/compassion

As I read this paragraph written by Dalai Lama, I find that it is so true and it filled me with inspiration :

“From my own limited experience I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion.

The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.

As long as we live in this world we are bound to encounter problems. If, at such times, we lose hope and become discouraged, we diminish our ability to face difficulties. If, on the other hand, we remember that it is not just ourselves but every one who has to undergo suffering, this more realistic perspective will increase our determination and capacity to overcome troubles. Indeed, with this attitude, each new obstacle can be seen as yet another valuable opportunity to improve our mind!

Thus we can strive gradually to become more compassionate, that is we can develop both genuine sympathy for others’ suffering and the will to help remove their pain. As a result, our own serenity and inner strength will increase.”

It is true. Whenever you feel sad/anger/upset, I just need to think about & feel the love & concern for my family & friends and it fills me with strength and the negative energy will dissipate.

Try it.

His Holiness Dalai Lama also mentioned this about compassion :

“True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively.”

It is truly difficult to practice compassion towards others who are doing bad things to you or others. How? Such true compassion is not easy. However, I am glad I read this as this bring about awareness in myself, so that I can practice and improve myself.

“We are all perfectly imperfect so that there is always room for improvement…” Quoted by ME :)

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Red Shoes

Posted on June 2, 2012 by YogaPeace

I expected it to happened.

It did. But yet I still feel so bad, so crappy, so sad, so unfair. Knowing that high chance it will happen, I thought I will be ok.

It’s amazing that someone never gotten me a birthday present in Jan and yet he can remember someone birthday and bothered to get a birthday present for her. WTF. I knew & expected he would do that and he did. Not a good feeling. :(

Well, worst thing could happened, like I got hit by a speeding ferrari… anyway I feel like losing my friends at the end of the day… like them probably hanging out with him instead of me without telling me.

* it really did happen, they went to celebrate her birthday without asking me… I had to learn about it from somebody else. Worst part is I thought of that friend as a close friend, a confidante whom was there when all this bs happened and she was there to listen and I shared with her all my feelings and thoughts and trusted her. It’s not whether I was asked but she did not even mention to me… never felt so alone.

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Past & Present Shadows

Posted on May 12, 2012 by YogaPeace

All of us have shadows. Who is your shadow?

A hidden manifestation of an ugly side that you keep ( See Jungian psychology : the shadow or “shadow aspect” is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts )… I wonder who is my shadow?

Perhaps my friends may get to catch a glimpse of this shadow of mine. Can you see yours?

130/365
Creative Commons License photo credit: bgottsab

I wonder if my shadow ever hurt anyone. Perhaps I did unknowingly. A once close friend of mine suddenly overnight became cold towards me… perhaps I did something to her unknowingly? Or perhaps she perceived an action of mine to be hurtful to her? I will never find out because I lacked the courage to ask her back then. I was young perhaps and I did not know how to approach her to ask her why. This caused me to lose a close friend :( Even until this day, I wished and hoped that I meet her on the street as I lost her contact number :( …

Sometimes I do see a familiar back that looked very much like her and I wanted so much to see that it was her so that I can say hello and perhaps right the misunderstanding and renew the friendship. Cowardice caused me a good friend and I never wanted to repeat that again.

Perhaps this is the doing of my shadow? Or is this just a poor excuse to our bad behaviour?

Maybe this shadow of mine caused my relationship to breakdown? Is it me?

I hate that I missed him. Every where in the house (even my pc), there is reminder of him. I don’t even go to my market now as it reminds me too much of how we go for desserts and food. :( His final text to me was that he know he has hurt me and he was sorry. He does not even have the decency to say sorry in person to me. Even until today I wondered why he did it. No closure for me. I feel disgusted with him at times for destroying us… destroying the friendship we originally had and then now the friends I have. I feel so left out when they go for nitrox diving lesson… nobody had asked me. Yet again everyone still good with him, I feel so betrayed. Should I cut all my common friends with him? Poor friends who got caught in the middle, don’t want to take sides. But seems to me, by expressing not wanting to take sides, they condoned what he has done? I feel sooo sad…if I had such a guy friend who did this to a girlfriend of mine, I will avoid hanging out with him. But again this is me… i have no right to judge anyone… so the whole incident just made me feel sadder. Guess what I missed my niece too but I am still hesistent to go visit her as the unavoidable question my parents will still ask me about him and what happened etc… and guess what? I don’t have an answer myself…. and I know I will get emotional…

I really don’t know how to behave with him anymore. How can I be nice to him after he done all those things? How? Will he be nice to his ex who cheated on him?

Is this my present shadow? Or am I wrong to think this way? Perhaps I am the mean, spiteful, revengeful shadow now… or perhaps the sad, victim mode shadow? Which is my shadow and which is the real me? I know he tried to be nice to me… but why? Guilty conscience? Still have feelings? I will never know. But for now, if he does not contact me, I am not going to contact him. If he wants to have anything to do with me, he has to take the initiative.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
- Robert Frost

yup… Robert is so darn right…

Anyway, I lost weight again… good news? Another 4 more kg and I hit my target weight! Hoping now to be able to restart my yoga regime soon…

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Diving Or Self Torture?

Posted on April 14, 2012 by YogaPeace

It was supposed to be fabulous diving trip to Sipadan. We even booked tickets sitting to each other on the flight. Never in a million years expected this to happen.

Tan Kuan Sheng – thanks for all the “memories” for the past few months – my boyfriend of 5 months who was the love of my life especially during the last month which I felt this relationship is what I wanted. I still feel confused as I recount all that you have done for me, how loving you are to me and the wonderful things that happened, the happiness we felt and yet you can just give up on our relationship as if it is worthless in such a short time…. why?

Now I really felt used. You had your fun and bye bye. After 3 long years of recovering from my past relationship, I am back to square one. I believed that you loved me with all your heart back then and I opened my heart and soul to you. Without even an attempt to work things out with me, you given me the worst reasons ever to break up – “I don’t want to waste your time in case this relationship did not work out.” A better reason would be a third party. In fact, a few common friends told me he told them different reasons. “Different point of views” “Different lifestyles” “Age gap” “My parents don’t like him” – we never fought during the first 5 months and we were very very loving, I really don’t get all the reasons – we had similar point of views, we like similar things, you said you did not mind the age gap and my parents was nice to him during the dinner and in fact repeatedly asked him to join for family dinners but of which you chose not to join.

After 5 months together, you passionately declared you loved me blah blah blah and spending every weekend with me at my house, and all of a sudden, you start distancing yourself from me. Then stop holding my hands. Then never even bother to buy me a birthday present on my birthday????? Or spend valentine’s day with me????? IT REALLY FEELS BAD AND AWFUL. 3 months… I feel that if I had not confront you that day, you probably would have just drag me on this way until when??? When I confronted you, you even asked you want to go home first and you will message me about this instead. It really feels terrible when you said that to me. At the end of the day, you kept saying it’s your fault but never for once you said sorry to me.

You probably got cold feet about us as we were getting too intimate BUT I am guessing you are clueless and in fact have no idea why, which is why you are giving me all the stupid reasons. I feel so sad that you are running away from this when we could have worked things out…. in fact I feel extremely unfair to me!

Worst now is that we have common friends and you had to appear at every one of the gathering as if you don’t have other friends. CAN YOU GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FRIENDS? STOP hanging out with my friends and act as if nothing happen. You did not even tell your other friends? WHY? EVEN FACEBOOK, you did not remove our relationship status. Are you expecting me to do so when you are the one who wants to break up just because the relationship might not work out and you are trying not to waste my time? — Well, he finally did remove the relationship status – he probably felt less guilty now

Now I have to think whether I want to go for any trip cos you have to join, even though it is an all ladies trip, you had to join. Well, it feels crap!

It feels really AWFUL WHEN ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TALKING TO YOU AND YOU TRAVELLING ALONG WITH THEM WITHOUT ME. HOW’s that supposed to make me feel? You going on a dive trip with a girlfriend of mine? Always sitting next to all the other friends except me on the dive trip? Those who did not know why, will feel funny why we are a couple on facebook and yet we are like that???

Bali trip was a stupid idea. I just remembered from friends that unmarried couples should never go bali, as superstition has it that when they come back, they will break up. YUP…

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