Now it has become some sort of a little journal for me, writing down the nuances of life and experiences I have had. Yikes… now it is already halfway through January and I am still feeling stuck in 2011. I really hope that the Chinese New Year which is in another few days time will put me in gear for a new me.

Changes are inevitable. Look back, just not so long ago, I never knew or even imagined myself stopping yoga. Yoga was something wonderful that happened to me that gave me so much strength, peace, health and hope. It opened my eyes to many things and allowed me to meet so many people in my life.

Yoga is not only just a physical exercise that we do to strengthen our bodies but also a way of life that we can live. Yoga is about yin & yangs. Yoga is always strength & flexibility, grace & power. Yoga shows us the power within us that we probably will not have known.

Sad to say, I have stopped yoga almost completely. I think it is high time I get back into yoga. With running, hiking, swimming & diving all in the works, I hope this will be a fantastic year for me to keep fit & healthy both mentally & physically. Time to dig out my yoga books!

As far as relationship goes, I am confused & sad. And now we just go out once a week for dinner without even holding hands. He even forgotten my birthday. He asked me way in advance for dinner on Friday because he thought it was my birthday. Now that it’s not, he is going cycling with his colleagues ( whom he sees everyday ). What’s worst is that my best friend asked me to go to her house for chinese new year celebration with him on the following saturday as they have not met him before, he hemmed & hawed & says he’ll see. He has no plans yet obviously as it is still 2 weeks away when I asked him. It is lunchtime on the same day where our other common group of friends are having a birthday dinner celebration for all the January birthday babies. So I really don’t understand why is he doing this? Why is he missing all the occasions that I wanted him to come with me? I thought he was the one but now I am not so sure. I feel now like his ordinary friend. help!

WHAM BAM! Answers everywhere!

The best one was from this website which says that

“In the first few months of a new romance, your brain and that of your love interest release a euphoric chemical cocktail that makes you both feel invincible. The term “madly in love” isn’t far off – the brains of people newly in love look just like the brains of people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Which is partially why you’re so obsessed with each other.”

BINGO!

“One of the chemicals of your Brain Love Cocktail is called Dopamine, and its effects are much like an opiate – you know, like HEROIN. You feel so alive, and so exuberant, and so HIGH, that you truly don’t need to eat or sleep. It’s absolute bliss. It’s like having chocolate, and margaritas, and shortbread cookies, all at once. Not only that, but your man becomes hormonally just like you.

Suddenly, all he wants to do is talk about his feelings, and connect emotionally, and snuggle with you all the time.”

So true! And as a woman, who wouldn’t feel blissfully happy? This is probably the honeymoon period.

“This combination of factors (not to mention the fact that you’re both on your “best behavior” for a while, always dressing just right, and being extra polite to each other) makes you feel so good together. It’s like living in heaven right here on earth. You’re just sure you’ll feel this way for forever.

But then a little something happens at about the four to six month point. The dopamine stops being released in both of your brains and suddenly the man becomes hormonally like, well… a man!”

Anyway, truth be told, I finally made the call to confront him which he keeps avoiding ( trying to talk to him when he is watching tv is well… frustrating ). I tried my best to let him know that I was feeling upset about him getting distance. Then he got defensive and said I am accusing him.

Haiz, yup, men aren’t wired to see things from women’s perspective. Women keep wanting to connect emotionally which causes men to feel suffocated – this is what I gathered from all the information from the web. Which is why men get withdrawn and freaked out when women try to share their feelings.

Well, according to a article

“… when it comes to emotional withdrawal and distance in a relationship, most men DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND what it is. And therefore they can’t notice it or see it as a problem to address when it comes up.”

And yes, he told me nothing changed. He said he did not change at all.

Finally according to him, he wants his freedom to do things on his own. ( which maybe I really freaked him out by sharing my feelings and hurts )

From what I see, from the beginning until now, 95% of the time, he initiated the going out, dinners etc with me. The only few time I asked him to go out was one with our group of friends for a dinner, 2 family dinners ( recently, of which he has to overtime and did not turn up ) and once to go with me to Sim Lim to buy stuff ( which he says he do not want – recently )

So how is it that I am the one restricting his freedom? All the while, he still goes for his outings with friends to drink wine, look at audio equipment, just to mention a few. When did I stop him from hanging out with his friends?

More on the male thinking :
“The truth is that lots of men have no idea how important sharing feelings, emotions, and experiences are to a relationship…and they honestly don’t have much practice at it either.

So, when a great woman comes along that he could have an amazing time with and get close to And, she starts noticing that he has some emotional shortcomings that he doesn’t have all the answers for, or experience with…Instead of identifying these for what they are (part of his natural “masculine” tendency to pull away and focus in an emotionally uninvolved way), she feels rejected, unappreciated or deadened by it.”

Hence resulting in the slow death to a relationship…

So what am I to do now?… I really do not know.

Today’s his messages reduced to just an afternoon greeting and whether I had lunch. ( usually there will be a good night )

Well, I read about the honeymoon period of the relationship & I was wondering when mine will end. I think it’s over. It seems to be he is taking me for granted.

Sigh.

Used to be that he will read everything I write on facebook, see all my pictures, like them, comment on them. Now no more… seems like he is looking at others postings more.
Used to be that he will read my blog. Now I am guessing no more… this I will know once this is published.
Used to accompany me for runs, now no more.
Used to go to interesting places with me & bringing his camera along to take photos. Now no more.
Used to go do romantic stuff like watching stars, picnic, go eat durians. Now no more. Now, we just go for food & movie….
Used to call me almost every night on the phone. But now it has reduced to just whatapps…. urgh. At least he still whatapps me everyday.

We had a chalet on Christmas day and I borrowed his sleeping bag. Ok right? But no, he told me that I had better to fold back the sleeping bag neatly back. I was pissed. Then I asked him to bring the bag back. And yet he did not seem to get that I was upset with him. It’s bugging me.

Then during Christmas, at his friend’s party, I had to go home early due to work appointment. He sent me to the train and went back to continue party until late. It used to be he will send me all the way home. Then the next day, he did not even tell me what happened the night before.

Just happened he even forgotten that he said to go Sentosa on the 31st Dec but ended up he went and organise a dinner with friends instead ( without even asking me first ). ( Perhaps he was sick a few days before & sick people tend to forget things? hmmm… that’s what women do huh? find excuses for men…) Plus it was the eve of the new year and I spent the countdown alone at home even though I had a boyfriend.

Now quite a few times, I do feel that he no longer missed me as much (he used to want to spend all the time with me) & sometimes he probably isn’t listening to what I am saying. Anyway, during courtship, I was priority… now it’s “priority with terms & conditions” … What’s worst is that now I felt that he puts his friends above me. I don’t know if it’s true but that’s how I felt.

I even posted something on his facebook wall ( a message for the new year ) which he deleted away…and did not tell me about it.

Is my expectation too high?

Or is this normal male behaviour?

Yesterday we went out for dinner. There was this famous beancurd dessert at this place but always long queue. I mentioned that I can try it… then he said “you want you go and queue yourself” ( he had tried it before )….I was really upset. Then I said “then nevermind, then I don’t want to eat.” He sensed I was unhappy and he went to queue to buy.

Then today sat is usually the day we go out. I asked him to go buy something with me. But he said he is meeting his friend and not going out with me. Then I text him about my feelings. No response from him at all. I had to ask if he cant be bothered anymore. Then finally he text to ask why I am so upset. Then I explained to him, to which he just said dun be upset and he was helping friend to move things. Then later on at night, he just text me a message that he is home. That’s all he text me after he knew I was upset. I don’t even get a call any more?

Just feeling so disappointed and upset.

It’s been a while – say 1 month? With things happening on the work front & on the running, yoga has been pushed behind. I am still attempting to do my headstand & handstand on a daily basis but sad to say, I have not been very consistent.

Last month October was a rush. Time went by in a flash – was preparing to go on vacation with my good gal pal to Hanoi & Sapa. Plus with the new relationship status, I have been spending alot of couple time, hanging around each other etc.

And then also training for my marathon – Mizuno Run 10km as well as Newton Run 18km. YES! Me running more than 10km… Imagine that! Several years back, seriously I won’t even consider it. I remembered my very first 10km run with a yoga buddy of mine, Dorothy. We went to run without any training and we ended up getting more than we bargained for – a week of leg pain! And we swore we will never run 10km ever again… well that was then!

Luckily both of us never gave up. It was a funny thing. There was a period of time after our first attempt to run when we sort of lost contact with each other ( that is not hanging out together ). Then this year, strangely we met again at a recent women’s run Great Eastern 10km Run 2010.

Life is really full of unexpected surprises! When I reached the finish line, she was just a few minutes ahead of me!

Aha! Found another buddy to run!

Anyway, we just completed an amazing 18km run at East Coast Park. The weird part was that I was in Vietnam for 8 days prior and I did not do much training except for a weak 6 rounds (2.4km only) in stadium 6 days before the actual day. I think I came in slightly below three hours… 2hrs 59mins! Thanks to my dear for encouraging me all the way… he was with me at all the hydration points – he probably can finish much faster but because he had to wait for me at those points he also ended up slow.

Ok, now is going for the main event, event of the year!!! – 21km Standard Chartered Half Marathon

What’s so good about this event? Well, we get to run through to the Universal Studios at Sentosa! Amazing!

Yoga? Well in fact, I am trying to fit in some yoga poses after my training runs. Research time!

For running or those starting out, please be patient! With consistent training, anyone can run a marathon. The starting point is always the hardest… picking up your butt from the couch and hitting the track – that is the obstacle to overcome! Start small, even if for 10mins. Start running consistently every alternate day or whenever possible. Soon you will be addicted to running when you see physical as well as mental changes in yourself. But remember to always warmup before each run and to warm down and do stretches after each run ( bathe cold water after a long run is good to prevent major muscle aches ) and HYDRATE!

Namaste!

Last year I did the 5km Shape run without training much. This year I finally set myself up to consistently run every week leading up to the runs I have signed up for. This year I signed up for Great Eastern Ladies Run 10km, Shape Run 5km and finally just joined the Standard Chartered Marathon 21km.

Running was never a favourite activity for me. Hated the dreaded 2.4km in school. Every time I ran, it was pure torture… counting every torturous lamp post I passed, trying to motivate myself that the lamp post after the next one, I could stop and walk. First, I was not exactly light in my school days, plus I was not the kind of active kid. I was more of a nerdy bookworm and love all things indoor like arts & crafts. ( I was pretty good at drawing, always the top 2 in arts class – but this was not nurtured by parents as arts and such are usually considered not practical )

However, recently running has become quite a weekly activity that I do to train for the runs. In leading up to the Great Eastern Ladies run, I ran at least 3 times every week. It started slow with just 1-2km around the neighbourhood. Now it has me hooked! Now I run whenever I have time to do so and love running! Sometimes I wondered when can I squeeze in more time to run!

Things change. People change.

But do they change for the better?

I did.

Btw, I broke my own running record : 31mins for 5km run!!! Feel quite darn proud of myself I must say!

Namaste!!!

Yup. Notheless, I am trying to get back into practicing by starting 1-3-5 morning yoga practice of sun salutations plus a mix of yoga asanas as a start to get myself back to consistent practice.

It was not easy… so it shows that I lacked the discipline to practice on my own. But I tried… sometimes just basic sun salutations. At times just do a simple stretch, a simple twist , then perhaps a few handstands. Plus I did do my headstand for as long as I could.

Not very proud of the progress though. But I guess some is better than none. I even woke up early one morning and went for a jog. And the following week another jog. I hoped that I can increase my jogging eventually to at least 3 times a week with 2 sessions of yoga at home ( Ashtanga combi with inversions ). Ambitious? Likely… In fact, even though I stop exercising, I have not gained weight but in fact, lost 2 kgs due to stress at work.

But I think no matter what, I take exercising to be quite an important part of my life that I must work on in order to keep fit and stay healthy!

Wish me luck!

Namaste! ( yes, I still do my anusara chanting at every chance I’ve got! )

Grabbed a nice workout bra at only $38! Oh Joy! Perfect for jogging and rock climbing… ( until I lose another 5 kg…this will stay under my trusty racerback T )

Another major thing happening is that I have given up my membership at the local yoga studio ( getting commercialized and charging quite extorbitant prices… especially when the yoga classes I enjoyed were not as many as before… and no Anusara yoga! ARGGGGGHHHHH… talk about bias…. anyway I really hope that studio do not just focus on getting new members in and forgotten about loyal fiercely devoted practioners of yoga… this is one niche market that no one is really focusing on!!! Don’t they know that eventually, the massive numbers of beginners are going to get more advanced, more experienced and need better teachers?? Also moving into deeper practices that involve meditation, pranayama and more? )

Ah… the sad state of yoga in Singapore is as such.

Meanwhile, once my membership ends on 10 jan…. I will be "lost"… I’ll have to figure out and plan my own yoga practice. Perhaps this is a good thing! I am planning to add at least 2 jogging sessions per week for myself to keep fit ( hence the workout bra ) on top of daily mini yoga practices. Perhaps 2 days of Ashtanga Primary series on 2 weekdays. And a fab chance for me to turn my time table around from a night owl to a morning person!!!

PLUS I also hope to join Bo and Shirley in their anusara yoga classes when they are back from India ( I need you guys!!!! ). Please do visit their website and support them. They are wonderful teachers, kind ( almost too kind & nice that others often bully them… ) , giving, loyal, fearless, selfless, always forgiving,fun, beautiful yogis – their website : http://www.spandananda.com

Namaste!

Think about it.

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The thing that every one does without fail that I am talking about is locking your house before you leave. Now don’t tell me you don’t lock your house!

So why do we lock our houses before we leave? You probably go "DUH… because we don’t want other people to enter the house! " Yes, indeed, we lock our houses before we go out to keep our precious and valuable things in the house safe.

In a similar way, locking our bandhas in our body is also a way to "lock" our precious energy in us and not let it "disperse" out of us. That’s what happened when you don’t lock your bandhas… your energy disperses and is gone before you know it. Hence the we are unable to "float" in arm balances, jump throughs and inversions.

I have so much more to learn about pranayama and bandhas. Seriously, these are very very important in the yoga practices if you want to take your practice a step further once you have the physical fundamentals covered.

Plus the attitude and mentality are also crucial and not to be dismissed. In fact the first few chapters of Patanjali’s yoga sutra talks about the importance placed on a person’s attitude towards life and society, beyond physical practices (Charat pointed these out today in class). Any wonder then why Anusara yoga practice emphasize so much on "Attitude"? =)

First, one must be friendly to everyone in your life, never be jealous or otherwise. Second, one must empathise with those with less or is going through hardship, pray for the person in need or do whatever you can for that person. Third, one must give blessings and help those who are on their path to divinity ( whatever path they choose ), be happy for them. Fourth, if one knows that a certain person is out to harm you, do not fight back. Instead choose to distance yourself from such person. If they confront you, just say "Namaste", smile and move away. Never fight or allow them to do harm to you.

( forgive me if my interpretation is not perfect of Patanjali’s book – download a copy and read it yourself and tell me what you think )

PS. Gosh… I have 27k spam comments… *rolls eyes*

This time, he wanted us to think of the variation in the yoga poses that we take as the action we take to make ourselves happy.

More often than not, people often think of variations of a pose as a lesser pose, in other words, "poorer" or "lesser". To many practitioners, if you do an easier variation, you are weaker and not so good. Don’t blame yourself if you do think that way. Many of us do that.

We think that if we do the easier variation, we are weaker, we are not as good as those who can do the super hard poses. And similarly many of us who can do the "advanced" poses, many times, we feel proud and with time, our egos grow as well. And so much so that our basic yoga poses tend to suffer as a result.

But looking from Charat’s angle, yoga variations are viewed differently. Yoga variations are now ways that we make ourselves happy, our body happy. Why struggle in the hard poses? Why scrunch our faces in torture in the hard poses? Take the variations that we are comfortable with and progress with that. Do yoga with ease, grace and happiness. Yoga when expressed with happiness and grace is truly beautiful and inspiring.

~Namaste

*PS. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can wake up early for Ashtanga class on Tuesday

Is that why Hot yoga is very popular with most people? All intense work outs that just push you physically relentlessly? Your body probably feels good after such a “workout” and then that feeling probably goes off in an hour or so… and then what? The very next day, you rush to another class to workout and get that rush of endorphins, a temporary high.

Yoga is not only about the body. We all know that. But how many of us practice the yoga of the mind too? Yes, we do try to connect to our body but that is just one small part of the practice – on the mat. What about off the mat? I think that is even more important than being able to do a perfect pigeon (sure it’s a most satisfying feeling when you are able to do it finally – and then what… ? ). So what if you can do all the poses and yet you behaved as if the whole world owes you or you are so selfish and inconsiderate that you step all over other people’s mats?

It’s pretty amazing to learn how yoga can be used as a parallel to your life. During Bo’s Anusara class yesterday , he shared an important lesson. Life is not one straight road. Rather it is much like a “yard sale” – with aplenty of objects all over the yard – this is analogy of the distractions in life.

So we need to be able to overcome the distractions and refocus back to your center – on the mat as well as in our life. How do we do that? We practice and be aware! Imagine if I have just kept practicing yoga without thinking or reflections, with no one to enlighten or “seed” the thought, I would not have grown myself internally, mentally. ( Another excellent way to grow our minds is to read and I don’t mean main stream novels…. but books that get you to think. )

Ultimately, it is what we think that determines exactly what we do – we can choose happy thought or sad thought despite whatever happen as with an enlightened mind, we are able to choose to observe our emotions, not to react to our emotions and then choose the best reaction to whatever happens.

Hmm.. anyone understood what I’ve just said? Haha…

Maybe an example can help… imagine you are on a train and a man and his son sat besides you. Then the man’s son started to make a lot of noise, irritating everyone around him while the man just sat there without doing anything to stop the son or calm him down. Probably at this point of time, if you are tired after working the entire day, you would feel irritated, angry at that man for not controlling his son. Totally pissed and angry, boiling inside, you probably shouted angrily to the man “Hey, can you please control your son and quiet him down? So inconsiderate!” ( perhaps an even stronger term? ) This is what most of us do… we react to our emotion and react to the emotion.

What if then the man turned to you with a sad and forlorn face, and say apologetically “I’m very sorry…. my wife just died hours ago and my son is missing his mother… ” ? Is there a change in what you feel now?

What do you think?

~Namaste